Posts Tagged Family life
5 Tension Tamers for Your Holiday Gathering
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life on December 15, 2010
Credit: David Louden
Do the holidays bring you more anxiety than joy? Do verging political views, differing lifestyle choices, or rivalries make your family holiday gatherings feel like a bed of dry tinder ready to spark? You’re not alone. Last year 90 percent of participants in a nation-wide “Holiday Stress Index” survey said the holidays cause them stress and anxiety, and 77 percent said conflict is an inevitable part of their holiday gatherings.
As much as we love them, family members can be an incredible source of tension, especially this time of year, when fantasies about perfect holidays can come into a collision course with reality – at the dinner table.
If you’re expecting more protraction than pleasure at your holiday gathering, here are a few surefire tension tamers:
1. Serve something soothing
Some herbalists call lemon balm the “herb of good cheer”. A friend of mine swears that every time she serves it to her difficult mother-in-law, within an hour, they’re getting along great. It may be worth a try. Lemon balm eases stress and anxiety, aids digestion, assuages head-aches, and increases concentration. In other words, it’s the perfect drink for a tense holiday gathering. You can buy it in bags or in the bulk section of most health food stores.
Other good bets: oat straw, chamomile, or catnip.
2. Replace competitive board games
If your sister-in-law is more competitive than Vince Lombardi, or your annual game of charades always leaves someone in tears, it might be time to introduce entertainment that encourages a more harmonious spirit. Family Pastimes, a Canadian company, sells board games that foster co-operation and teamwork. They’re challenging, but everyone works together toward a goal rather than going head-to-head against each other.
Conversation starter cards are another way to encourage civility instead of conflict. Each card has a provocative question to jump-start lively dialogue. You can buy them here. Or you can make them yourself. Here are a few samples, to give you an idea of the kind of open-ended questions you’ll want to ask.
3. Introduce humor
In 1979 Norman Cousins was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis, a rare debilitating disease, and he was given almost no chance to live. But he recovered with his own self-created therapy. His medicine? Laughter. He watched Marx Brothers comedies, “Candid Camera”, and other goof-ball comedies. He documented that a ten-minute belly laugh gave him two hours of pain-free sleep. Now just imagine what it could do for your stressful holiday gathering. Ask everyone to bring a joke. Tell funny stories. Watch a funny movie. Laugh.
4. Get outside
Numerous studies show that viewing or getting out into nature helps us relieve stress. In one study, surgical patients randomly assigned to a room with a view of trees required less pain medicine, healed faster, and were discharged sooner. So after dinner, why not head outside for a relaxing walk around the neighborhood? You’ll probably all feel better when you get home.
5. Simplify gift-giving
What was the biggest source of stress for participants in that “Holiday Stress Index” survey? You guessed it. Gift-giving. Fifty-six percent of people said they feel cash-strapped around the holidays. If gift-giving is something you dread, or if it feels like it’s a competitive sport in your family to see who can spend the most, simplifying your gift-giving tradition will probably relieve a lot of tension. Paring down the presents doesn’t have to feel like deprivation. There are lots of fun and creative alternatives to traditional gift-giving. Last week, I shared 10 ideas here.
Warning: you’ll probably want to suggest any big changes to your gift-giving tradition for next year, since some people finish their Christmas shopping before now (or at least that’s what I’ve been told).
More thoughts on this subject:
- How to Get Along With Family – Better World Blog
- Avoiding Family Stress and Conflict During the Holidays – Communication Currents
- Stress, Depression, and the Holidays: 10 Tips for Coping – The Mayo Clinic
- Keeping Your Cool at Family Holiday Gatherings – Parent Dish
- Holiday Traditions That Raise Happiness – Greater Good
6 Fun Ways To Spend a Cold, Dark Night
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life, Health, Simple Living on November 8, 2010
Credit: rjshiflet
The color of springtime is in the flowers, the color of winter is in the imagination. ~Terri Guillemets
Yesterday most of us rolled our clocks back an hour, returning to standard time from daylight saving time. The sun is now setting at about 4:50 pm where I live.
I love cold weather, but the shorter days are always difficult for me to adjust to. Over the years I’ve stored up a toolbox of activities to make cold, winter nights more fun. I find myself especially in need of them in the days and weeks after the time changes.
1. Eat by candlelight
We didn’t light a lot of candles in my house when I was growing up, but occasionally we’d eat by candlelight. Those nights, along with random power outages, are some of my happiest memories. Flickering soft light just makes any dinner more special. Every year after we observe Earth Hour, I envision that we’ll spend one night a week using no electricity. We’ve yet to make that a reality, but we eat by candlelight now and then. And every time we do it, it’s as fun and uplifting as I remember it being when I was a kid. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to rush when you’re watching the reflection of flames dance on glasses.
2. Start a fire
There’s so much to love about a winter fires – the warmth, the mesmerizing flames, the way it brings the entire family together in one spot to look at something other than a TV screen. Bonus: we haven’t had to turn our heater on yet this year and have been enjoying some rather toasty nights.
3. Read aloud or tell stories
Years ago, an older friend told me that she and her husband had been reading books aloud to each other each night for decades. I loved the idea, and since then, my husband and I have read many books aloud together. These days we spend our read-aloud time reading to our son about Arthur, D.W., Francine and company. (He’s in love with them.) But I know soon, we’ll be onto chapter books, and then adult books again. There are so many great reasons to start a family reading tradition. I wrote about them in this post.
Storytelling is also a fun way to pass an evening. In Robert Shank’s book Tell Me A Story: Narrative and Intelligence, he explains that “human memory is story-based.” We’ve learned by telling each other stories since long before Homer. If coming up with a fictional yarn sounds more pressure-packed than taking the GRE, don’t worry. Just relax and tell stories about your childhood, grandparents, or past adventures. If you’re a parent, this kind of storytelling serves a bigger purpose: it helps kids recognize their place in a larger family and feel closer to their parents. Most people love listening to stories. And the more you practice, the better you get at telling them.
4. Throw a potluck
With the extra dose of darkness, we can all probably use double-shots of health and happiness. Well, the research is in: social connectedness is good for us. Researchers from Brigham Young University recently reviewed 148 studies and found that people with strong ties to family, friends or co-workers have a 50 percent lower risk of dying over a given period than those with fewer social connections. As The New York Times reported, “Having few friends or weak social ties to the community is just as harmful to health as being an alcoholic or smoking nearly a pack of cigarettes a day.” Potlucks are a thrifty and labor-saving way to invite your friends, neighbors, or colleagues over. My acquaintances may just be exceptional cooks, but potlucks never seem to disappoint.
5. Stargaze
I wrote about winter stargazing in this post last December. Shortly thereafter I made bold plans to stargaze every night of 2010 with my trusty copy of 365 Starry Nights, which my husband gave me for Christmas. The first few nights of January, I had a great time scouting out Orion and Pleides. Then it got cloudy. And it stayed cloudy until … July. Yes, rainy Eugene is not a stargazer’s paradise, and oh how I miss the Colorado night skies. But if you live somewhere with few clouds and a dark sky, bundling up and gazing at the stars is an age-old, relaxing way to spend a cold, dark winter night.
6. Make Something with your hands
In her book Lifting Depression, neuro-scientist Kelly Lambert argues that using our hands for manual labor helps us prevent and cure depression. She says that when we cook, garden, knit, sew, build, or repair things with our hands and see tangible results from our efforts, our brains are bathed in feel-good chemicals. I just got my knitting needles out after neglecting them for the summer, and it’s incredibly rewarding to see what I can make with my own two hands in a relatively short time (while I’m sitting in front of the fire, listening to a story, watching a movie, or otherwise enjoying a winter evening).
What’s your favorite way to spend a cold, dark night? Do you have any tips for coping with fewer daylight hours?
Farewell Summer … Hello Fall
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life, Nature on September 22, 2010
Happy First Day of Fall! We plan to celebrate the day with a meal harvested from our garden (and CSA box) and by lighting the first fire of the season. You can find simple, inexpensive ways to celebrate here.
Where I live the sun rises at 6:57 a.m. and sets at 7:10 p.m., giving us nearly equal amounts of light and darkness. (You can find out when the sun rises and sets where you live here.) Tomorrow night, look for the harvest moon – the brightest full moon of the year.
I love fall, but it’s feeling a little too much like fall around here. Usually September is dry and sunny in this part of Oregon, but this year it’s been raining a lot. We dug out our sweaters and rain clothes several weeks ago. We’ve been waking up to the sound of rain drops on the roof and water running through the gutters. Our maple tree is turning scarlet. The garden is covered with soggy leaves. Fall’s here – ready or not. We’ll miss you, summer.
Today is also World Carfree Day. According to the World Carfree Network, “people from around the world get together in the streets, intersections, and neighbourhood blocks to remind the world that we don’t have to accept our car-dominated society.” You can find out about a few of the celebrations planned here, and you can join the fun by ditching your car today and walking, biking, or hopping on public transportation instead.
Are you celebrating today? I’d love to hear about it.
Celebrate the First Day of Autumn!
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life, Nature, Simple Living on September 15, 2010
The first day of fall, or the autumnal equinox, is September 22 in the Northern Hemisphere. On this day, the sun hovers above the equator, and most of the world enjoys nearly equal amounts of light and darkness. In traditional agricultural societies, the harvest season was drawing to a close, and people were working overtime to prepare stores for the winter months. The equinox was a time to relax, celebrate, and enjoy the bounty of the harvest, while they anticipated the scarcity or monotony of their winter diet. In modern times, autumn is a time for new beginnings – a new school year, new clothes, new friends, a new outlook.
Cultures around the world celebrate the first day of fall.
Asian Moon Festivals
The Chinese, Koreans, and Vietnamese have been celebrating the equinox with Moon Festivals, or Mid-Autumn Festivals, for 3000 years. In China, families and friends gather to admire the mid-autumn harvest moon, light lanterns, burn incense, and plant trees. They prepare mooncakes – a noodle-like dough filled with bean or lotus seed paste and duck egg yolks or other fillings, which are then steamed, baked, or fried.
Japanese Autumnal Equinox Day
In Japan, the fall equinox is a national holiday. The seven days starting three days before the equinox until three days after is known as Higan. The Japanese spend Higan holding family reunions and visiting family graves, offering flowers, cleaning tombstones, burning incense, and praying. Ohagi, sticky rice covered with adzuki-bean paste or soybean flour, is a popular offering to the deceased.
Jewish New Year – Rosh Hashanah
Rosh Hashanah is a two-day holiday that falls on the first and second day of the month of Tishri on the Jewish calendar – usually between September 5 and October 5 on our calendar. This year it falls from sunset on September 18 to nightfall on September 20. Rosh Hashanah is the “day of judgment” in the Torah. Observors abstain from work and spend the day in the synagogue. A shofar (ram’s horn) is blown many times to waken listeners to the coming judgment. People reflect on mistakes made in the last year and plan changes for the new year. Many observers also practice Tashlikh, or “casting off” on the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah. They fill their pockets with pieces of bread, walk to a natural body of water, and empty the bread into the water, symbolically casting off the previous year’s sins. Apples or bread dipped in honey is common Rosh Hashanah fare.
Native American Harvest Ceremonies
Many tribes once celebrated the end of the harvest with equinox ceremonies. The Cherokee gave thanks to all living things at a Nuwati Egwa festival and the Chumash of southern California held a sun ceremony at the end of September. The Miwok in Northern California still celebrate the acorn harvest with a Big Time Festival on the last weekend of September. Traditionally, the Miwok relied on the acorn for food. In the fall, they harvested the fruits, cracked them, ground the meat into meal, rinsed the meal to remove its bitter tannins, and made acorn mush, bread, or soap. At modern Big Time festivals, Miwok and other California tribes perform traditional dances, play hand games, and tell stories.
Create some autumn traditions.
Why not pick some activities that you enjoy and celebrate the first day of fall? Here are a few ideas:
- Establish a table-top, shelf, or mantel to display a seasonal tableau. On the first day of fall, replace the summer decorations with leaves, ornamental corn, gourds, jack-o-lanterns, acorns, pine cones, or whatever symbolizes fall in your family.
- Collect books about the seasons at yard sales, used-book stores, and thrift shops year-round. Choose a special basket or shelf for them, and change them out on the first day of each season. Or take a trip to the library a few days before your celebration. Some of my family’s favorite fall picture-books are: Too Many Pumpkins by Linda White; Leaf Man by Lois Ehlert; Autumn is for Apples by Michelle Knudsen; Apples and Pumpkins by Anne Rockwell; Fall is Not Easy by Marty Kelly; and It’s Fall! by Linda Glaser.
- Read aloud from The Autumn Equinox by Ellen Jackson.
- Make Chinese lanterns and hang them in the house or on the porch. Click here or here for a how-to.
- Visit a local orchard, pick apples, and make apple cider, sauce, or pie.
- Invite friends over for a harvest feast, prepared with foods from your garden or the farmer’s market. Traditional autumn foods include: pears, squash, pumpkin, apples, stews, and mulled ciders.
- Bring a pile of blankets out to the porch, yard, or park, cuddle together, and tell stories about your best or worst back-to-school memories.
- Go on a nature hike and enjoy the crisp air and colorful leaves.
- Day and night are equal, so it’s the perfect time to talk, as a family, about balance – the importance of it and ways to create more in your lives.
- After the sun sets, grab a pair of binoculars, cuddle under blankets, and star gaze. Taurus, Cassiopeia, Pegasus, and Ursa Minor reappear in the night sky around the equinox.
(Updated version of Aug. 31, 2009 post.)
Have you started any new family traditions lately? Are you going to celebrate the first day of fall this year? I’d love to hear about it!
Settling In
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life on September 6, 2010
We’re home again and slowly settling into our old routines. My husband went back to work after his summer break last week, which is always an adjustment for all of us. And of course, our recent travels have made things feel even more unsettled around here.
The drive to and from Seattle was long. We hit rush hour traffic both times we went through Portland. It was miserable creeping along in stop-and-go traffic while trying to keep a two-year-old entertained. But we also couldn’t help but reflect on how glad we are to not be spending 46 minutes everyday commuting by car, like the average American does.
It feels so good to be home. As my husband said while we were inching along on the interstate, squeezed between a semi and a Winnebago, “Maybe travel is over-rated.” Or maybe it’s just what we need to appreciate home.
We’ve had a string of perfect September days – cool in the morning and sunny in the afternoon. And we’re finding all kinds of ways to eat garden-fresh, vine-ripened tomatoes – gazpacho, salsa, pasta sauce, and more. (If you have a favorite tomato recipe, I’d love to hear about it!)
Here are some more pictures of our Colorado trip, most of them taken in or near Salida. Happy Labor Day!
Home Sweet Home
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life on September 1, 2010
We’re home! We had a great time in Colorado. We circled the state visiting family and friends; took walks and hikes; ate lots of delicious, locally grown meals; and gazed at stars.
It was fun, but we’re also enjoying being home again. It almost feels like fall here – my favorite season. Our garden is bursting with ripe tomatoes and cucumbers. And when it comes to my son and his tricycle, it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Unfortunately we won’t be home for long. Tomorrow we have to head to Seattle for a few days. So until we’re settled into the rhythms of home once again, I have some photos of Colorado to share, starting with the Georgetown, Paonia, Hotchkiss wing of our trip…
Guest Photo Essay
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life, Nature on August 10, 2010
It’s been an unexpectedly crazy week in these parts. I’ve been working on some last-minute writing assignments, contending with an email outage, and preparing for our trip to Colorado next week. So my husband graciously offered to go out and snap photos for my Wednesday blog post.
I was curious to see what he would come back with, so I agreed. He was gone for awhile … a long while. I nearly went out looking for him. And here’s what he came back with. I’m not sure they all relate to the New Urban Habitat (i.e. the Plymouth Volare), but they give you a good idea what my husband thinks about (i.e. barge-like cars from the seventies, bikes, hops … and hummingbirds?). They also present some interesting vignettes of our neighborhood.
All photos taken by Aaron Thomas. (Thanks, Aaron!)
As mentioned, we’ll be out of town for most of the next two weeks visiting family and friends in Colorado. So after this week, I won’t be back here live until September. But I’ll be re-posting some greatest hits from the archives while we’re away and checking in when I can to read comments. I’ll see you in September!
Explosion of Color
Posted by Abby Quillen in Nature on August 9, 2010
My son is learning his colors, so we spend a lot of time talking about “wed”, “lellow”, “gween”, and “bwue”. This weekend we went out for a walk with the camera for the first time in awhile and couldn’t believe how many beautiful flowers are blooming right now. It’s an explosion of color.
Blueberry Picking
Posted by Abby Quillen in Family life on July 26, 2010
Today we visited a nearby U-pick farm, and spent a couple of hours picking and eating blueberries. We had a great time, and now we have gallons of fruit for the freezer. Here are a few pictures from our day…
I’ll be taking a brief blogging sabbatical for the rest of this week. But I’ll rerun an article from the archives later in the week, and of course, I’ll be checking in to read comments. See you next week!
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